I. NOW, IT’S YOUR TURN: A couple are seated at an outdoor café. At first they seem in harmony, but something changes the mood. Write this scene, with showing, not telling.
II. WRITING INSIDE VERSUS WRITING OUTSIDE : Tell your story from ‘inside,’ not from ‘outside.’ An example: Matt and Samantha were driving down a lonely highway on a cold February night. It was after midnight and they were in their typical hurry, late to get home to the twins after league bowling night. The bowling alley had smelled of cigarettes and spilled beer that had aged over time.
That’s told from the ‘ outside,’ meaning that it’s information that your reader is being ‘told,’ as if reading a newspaper article. Here’s the same thing from the ‘ inside:’
“Jesus, it’s cold,” Samantha said.
“You were on fire at the alley,” Matt said. “Two-twenty-four? When have you bowled a two-twenty-four?”
“That placed smells like cigarettes and beer,” Samantha said. “I’m getting tired of going.”
Do you see the difference? Outside reads as if a news reporter is reporting (telling) what is happening, whereas inside reads as if your reader is there, watching and hearing what is happening.
Here is another scene, from the outside:
Amanda was completing her first day as the town’s newest papergirl. She had biked through the suburban town, tossed papers, and dodged neighborhood dogs. She’d saved Mrs. Baker’s delivery for last, because her mother’s friend had promised a slice of her apple pie when she finished her first day of work.
Now, rewrite this scene from the inside.