1:57pm: Nah, I'll Cab It...
LOS ANGELES, April 10 - In response to reduced ticket sales and reservations, heightened airport security, skittish metal detectors and general malaise, American Airlines today cancelled all flights in favor of its new service utilizing the nations roadways. An airline spokesman said "We'll stay on free interstates until we get the EZ-Passes we ordered." When reminded that the skies are also free, the spokesman said "Hey, this is a lot safer than flying; geez, I don't know what in the world we were thinking." When a reporter noted that air travel was, in fact, statistically safer than driving, the spokesman replied: "Oh yeah, I'll put one of our 767's up against any Tractor-Trailer you can name, and we'll see who walks away from that pileup."
Noting lagging ticket sales, one reporter suggested that with flights limited to ground service, most people would find cheaper alternatives. "Well, they won't be getting those little bags of peanuts," the spokesman said. When reminded that trains, cars, cabs, buses, and many mopeds go a lot faster than taxiing planes, the spokesman replied: "Most of our jets can taxi up to twenty miles per hour." He added: "And, we are now offering unlimited cell phone usage."
The airline said food service will also be improved with the new service, taking advantage of available food supplies. A spokesman elaborated: "It's common knowledge we've always used road-kill for our meals, and now we won't have to wait for shipments."
Bus and subway transfers are in the planning stages, and will be issued to all passangers using Metro Cards.
Posted by cronish at April 11, 2002 02:06 PM