10:57pm: No Money Down
[PILGRIM, SLICE and BARNES stroll along the third fairway when a cell phone disrupts the tranquility of the moment. All three rummage through their pockets, and PILGRIM finally retrieves the offending device at the bottom of his frisbee-golf bag. He hangs up without answering and returns the phone to his bag.]
SLICE: Closed for the weekend there, Pilgrim? What's up wit dat?
PILGRIM: Oh, yeah, wrong number...phone sex.
BARNES: Phone sex?
PILGRIM: Yes, Barnes; I get it all the time, I recite some random numbers into the phone and they talk to me like I'm the Mac-Daddy. Religious fanaticism and depraved commercial telemarketing: it's hard to figure you folks out, I'll give you that much in a shoe box.
BARNES: We're not exactly models of social behavior, here, Pilgrim.
SLICE: I would settle, Barnes, for social behavior.
[The phone rings again.]
SLICE: Better answer it, Pilgrim, it may be your tour guide calling with a new agenda.
PILGRIM: No doubt, Cahuna.
[He talks for several minutes before returning to his hosts.]
PILGRIM: Sheesh! That was a girl, too, and a wronger number than the last.
BARNES: How so?
PILGRIM: This girl I used to know, I worked with her for a couple of weeks three years ago, and helped her out of a jam I guess, let her crash at my crib for a while. Anyway, I see her from time to time, but she's back and forth to the home country, you know, and I haven't seen her in a year or so. Anyway, she stops into work last week, just before I sailed for Shangri-La, here, and says she's back in town, do I know of an apartment she can rent.
SLICE: "Apartment?"
BARNES: What's that?
PILGRIM: It's real estate, Barnes, you pays your money and takes your chances.
BARNES: Wha...?
PILGRIM: Forget it, Barnes, it's not important. Thing is, I don't know of any apartments, I can't help her, you know, and I can't put her up at my place again, I'm not very good with houseguests, anymore, Barnes. Set in my ways, you know, confirmed bachelor and bohemian squallor and the like...
SLICE: Go on...
PILGRIM: So that was her again, only this time she's calling from some landlord's office, seems she's found a peach of an apartment, her and her roommate, and all they need is someone to co-sign the lease, would I be willing?
BARNES: Co-sign?
PILGRIM: Some creative legal dovetailing, Barnes, the hazel-hatchery of the deal someone once called it. Means if they fly the coop or burn the place down I'm responsible for the rest of the rent owed from now until the cows come home, legal fees, locksmith, moving and storage, and flu shots. That kind of thing can really break the bank, Barnes. For someone like me it's in the 'No-Can-Do' category. Hell, I sold the farm just to buy my way here; I don't even have a ticket back if you need to know the truth.
SLICE: Well, the truth doesn't really apply around here, in case you haven't noticed, Pilgrim.
BARNES: Not that I ever heard of.
PILGRIM: Well, you may be right. But here's a truth for you: if they run a credit check on me or any of my several aliases, a/k/a's, or last known addresses they'll close up shop and run for the hills before they let me co-sign for a slice of moldy bread, no offense there, Slice-Man.
SLICE: None taken.
BARNES: But what will she do?
PILGRIM: Her? What she has always done, I guess: find some guy to move in with until the storm blows over or she gets a job or finds a better apartment or a better guy.
SLICE: Opportunism.
BARNES: Trechery.
PILGRIM: No boys, it's a little bit of both, we call it sex appeal, and it pretty much runs the works where I come from. Got one guy I know of elected and impeached, practically in the same breath.
BARNES: Sex appeal?
PILGRIM: Yes, Barnes, sex appeal. It may not be any safer than your fanaticism over here, but it's a hell of a lot more enjoyable.
BARNES: Where can I get me some sex appeal, Pilgrim?
SLICE: Be careful, Barnes, you cannot defend what you cannot see...
PILGRIM: See? Sex appeal? Oh, you cannot see it, Barnes.
BARNES: Of course not, I'm blind, remember?
PILGRIM: Yes, but it is not because you are blind, Barnes, it is because you are a sheep.
-CURTAIN-